I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Come see our sink grown plant.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
