uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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