we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
