She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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