You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
