There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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