ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
