Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
