boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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