i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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