what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
