Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
