can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
