I can tuck mytits in my pants
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize