Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize