im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
