brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
