He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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