Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
