So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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