Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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