The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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