He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
