I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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