someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
