4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
