Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
