I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
