I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
