i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the condom got lost in my hair
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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