I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize