I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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