hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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