I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
