I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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