Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Randomize
