Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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