put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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