Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
