We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
