I look better un-naked...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
