My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
