Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
