You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
