Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
