Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize