I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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