can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
