I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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