while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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