Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize