Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
