U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
