no you cant smoke seaweed
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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