im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
