but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
